I've been trying to do this new thing lately where I'm more open about my feelings, which is not especially easy for me to do. I'm doing this partly because I've realized that keeping my sadness pent up inside is not especially good for my mental health. And also because I've been bothered in recent months {years?} by this business of pretending at perfection. I'm quite skilled in pretending that everything in my life is wonderful. And I don't want to be a downer, you know. But goodness. When you're struggling there is nothing worse than looking around and seeing nothing but "perfect" happy people. And in reality many of those people are secretly suffering. I think there's value in putting on a brave face, but isn't it exhausting? I'm exhausted.
I would just like to acknowledge that I am very far from perfect. I am struggling. And sometimes I feel so much sadness. And sometimes I wonder how in the world I got to be 24, and wasn't I supposed to have things much more figured out at this point? And what in the world am I supposed to be doing with my life? It's been a rough couple of years. And sometimes I really just wish I had a shell.
Today I'm not feeling very brave or adventurous or strong or special.
Today is a day when I wish I had a shell.
I wish I had a shell so I could pull everything inside and
hide from all the sad and hurt and scary and hard.
Or maybe I wish I had wings.
I wish I had wings to fly away to happy places. Maybe I would
fly away to somewhere new and have a completely different life.
Just start over, you know?
If I wished for an iceberg would it work to freeze my racing thoughts
and slow my anxious, always too-fast beating heart? I would love to get some sleep.
But I don't have a shell, or wings. And my mind is hard to calm. And, actually, what I really wish I could have is God's email address. Man, I would love it if God could just shoot me a quick email and help me out. A text would be great even. Just a little something. When you say things like that everyone tells you to pray, fast, read your scriptures, get a blessing! I still only get good answers using these methods about 1/100th of the time. I wonder if everyone else has as much difficulty communicating with God as I do. I hope so, because that would make me feel a bit better. And I really wish prayer worked a little more like email.
But since it doesn't, does anyone have a person-sized shell I could borrow?
