an absolutely defining sense of self

I was frustrated with myself last night because I feel like in some areas of my life I am not really taking charge. Sometimes it's really easy to criticize yourself, but I started thinking {very dramatically} that I don't know what the heck I want or who on earth I am. In reality this is not really true, but it felt true last night and it felt true when I woke up this morning.

So naturally, I listened to Joe Fox and I took myself over to Starbucks to pick up an absolutely defining sense of self. Tall! Cream! Frappuccino!

The double chocolaty chip cream frappuccino is always my drink of choice.

Next I hopped over to The Gap for a little retail therapy, which generally makes me happy. Although, it also makes me question my money management skills.

Having a little me time always puts a spring in my step and helps remind me that I am the heroine of my own life. It turns out I do know who I am, and I know exactly what I want.

share a bit of moon with me

Since You’ve Got Mail is my favorite movie of all time and in light of Nora Ephron’s passing, I feel a tribute post is in order. 

I have probably watched You’ve Got Mail a minimum of 50 times in my life. When Kelsey and I were living at Foxwood I think we watched it at least once a week. And of course we watched it on her last night in Provo. We have the whole movie memorized. When I need a pick-me-up, You’ve Got Mail is the go-to.  You've Got Mail tells me that change can be good, even when it's horrible. It gives me hope in love and in people. It teaches the importance of friendships and growth.

I love every moment of You’ve Got Mail. I love the music. I love all the characters. 

Frank, the greatest living expert on Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, and his typewriter. 

Kathleen: “It happened in Spain. People do really stupid things in foreign countries.”

Frank: “Yes, they buy leather jackets for much more than they’re worth, but they don’t fall in love with fascist dictators!”

When George says he’s “going to get some eucalyptus candles ‘cause it makes my apartment smell moss-ay!” and that “the internet is just another way of being rejected by women.” I love Christina and Birdie and the Shop Around the Corner. 

Patricia makes coffee nervous. 

I am actually in love with Joe Fox. I think my favorite line of his is, “I was eloquent! Shit!” 

I love his emails.  

“Don’t you love New York in the fall? It makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.”

Every time I struggle with making a decision, I think about Joe’s email about Starbucks.

“People who don’t know what the hell they’re doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!”

I love when they discuss the meaning behind NY152. 

Joe: “Mr. 152 Felony indictments.”

Kathleen: “Mr. 152 insights into my soul!”

Joe: “Oh yeah. No competing with that.”

When I get a dog I will probably name him Brinkley. 

I see so much of myself in Kathleen Kelly. When she has a hard time saying what she needs to say, that is me. I love watching her develop her voice, which is something I am still working on. {Remember how I like harmony and hate conflict?} 


I love how Nora’s female characters are sweet and feminine, but strong and smart and witty. Too many heroines of newer romantic comedies are crass and harsh. {Side note, Kathleen was almost my middle name. That's what my dad wanted, but my mom vetoed it and I have no middle name. Because of this movie I wish it was my middle name!}

I wholeheartedly agree with Kathleen when she says "When you read a book as a child it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does." {For me, see To Kill a Mockingbird, Harry Potter, Anthem, Narnia . . . }
Because of her I always feel embarrassed when I introduce myself by my first name only. I am not a cocktail waitress. She makes me want to twirl and carry a handkerchief with daisies. 

I would like for someone to remember me as enchanting. 

I hope all of the girls I know will follow Nora’s advice: 

“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”

Thank your, Nora Ephron. Thank your.  

personality

One thing you should know about me is that I love personality tests. I think it's fascinating to understand what makes you tick, and I think it's vital in interacting with other people. Now, I don't think taking a personality test automatically tells you who you are and what you need and what makes you happy. But I do think they're fun because they get you thinking about those things.

Awhile ago at a work training we spent a portion of the morning doing a little Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator test and discussing how different personalities can interact positively at work. I had done a full-blown Meyers-Briggs test freshman year, but it spoke to me more this time.

With Meyers-Briggs there are four sections:

• Energy Focus: Extroversion / Introversion
• Information Learning: Sensing / Intuition
• Decisions: Thinking / Feeling
• Lifestyle: Judging / Perceiving 

You may fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum in these categories or you may be farther to one side. It's important to note that each of these things will apply to us at times, but there is generally a favored trait for each category. We aren't one-dimensional people. It's valuable to learn about how you think and take the time to observe yourself. 

Extroverts turn more outward to the world of action, people and things, while introverts turn more to the inner world of ideas and privacy. 

People who learn through sensing pay more attention to detail, personal experience, and the five senses. Those who learn through intuition tend to look at patterns and the "big picture." 

Thinking people use logic and objective information. Feeling people make decisions based on feelings, judgment, subjective information and person-centered concerns. 

Let's note first that "Judging" does not imply that you are judgmental of other people. This division is kind of like planning/spontaneity. Judging people like a planned and organized approach to life, they like to make decisions but they may struggle with changing plans. Perceiving people like to be flexible and spontaneous; they may have trouble making decisions or finishing projects.

You put these all together and that gives you your personality type. I think it's so interesting how we are constantly evolving. Freshman year I came out as an ENFJ, right now I would probably classify myself as an ISFP. 

This is the description of my current dominant personality type:  

ISFP

Observant, loyal HELPERS; reflective, realistic, empathetic, patient with details. Shunning disagreements, they are gentle, reserved and modest. Having introverted FEELING as their strongest mental process, they are at their best when responding to the needs of others. They value:

- Personal loyalty; a close, loyal friend

- Finding delight in the moment

- Seeing what needs doing to improve the moment

- Freedom from organizational constraints

- Working individually

- Peacemaking behind the scenes

- Attentiveness to feelings

- Harmonious, cooperative work settings

- Spontaneous, hands-on exploration

- Gentle, respectful interactions

- Deeply help personal beliefs

- Reserved reflective behavior

- Practical, useful skills and know-how

- Having their work life be fully consistent with deeply held values

- Showing and receiving appreciation

When you know yourself and consider how other people work I think everything just makes more sense. 

Finally, from Anne of Green Gables, by L.M. Montgomery:

"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

We all have different people inside us. No one is the same all the time, and that is part of the fun of living and interacting with other people. We each have many layers and the top layer is constantly changing. 

fine

I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night {of course}. It was season 2, and in one episode Meredith and Alex are talking. She tells him she's fine and he says,

"You've said that word so many times today it doesn't even sound like a word anymore." 

I had a similar conversation with Maddi on Sunday night.

But I really am.
Fine.

adjective

1 of high quality

• (of a person) worthy of or eliciting admiration 
• good; satisfactory
• used to express one's agreement with or acquiescence to something
• denoting or displaying a state of good, though not excellent, preservation {this one is so true}

2 thin

• (of something abstract) subtle and therefore perceived only with difficulty and care

Really, I'm fine. In a lot of ways, I'm fine. I would like to be great or excellent, but I'm not. I wish I were not expressing my acquiescence to the situation that I'm in because I hate it, but I don't know how to fight it, so it's fine. I'm fine. My heart is breaking, I'm overwhelmed and stressed, but I'm holding it together. I'm fine, and that's about all I can ask for right now. 

Although, the definition of FINE that most describes me is probably this one:

Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

how to survive summer school

When I took spring/summer classes a few years ago I thought it was awesome. The classes moved really fast but were more chill and summer was just so fun. I definitely spent way too much time playing, but it was great. This summer I am singing a different tune. I have been in school now for more than five years and two weeks is the longest break I've had since Fall 2010. I've always enjoyed school, but right now I just can't wait to be done. I am constantly studying or worrying about something I should be studying. To fight off the madness I have discovered a method for surviving summer school.

The key is to hit up Sonic during happy hour and grab a slush. I alternate between lemon, lime, and lemonberry. {It's only $1.08 for a large} 

Then roll down the windows, turn up the tunes, and drive up the canyon. 

Stop at Canyon View Park, which is the first one on the left. 

Spread out a blanket, pull out your books, and

 keep sippin' that slush while you study. 

Don't forget your sunglasses.

Following these steps allows you to get things done while still enjoying the great outdoors and the summer sunshine. It is also useful in decreasing the ghostly pale quality of post-winter skin. Plus, a little extra vitamin D is likely to improve your mood. 

In other news, I got a perm last week and it is crazy. 

And I am embracing the craziness. 

Also, P.S. I think that the station wagon should be the state car of Colorado because every time I see one it reminds me of home {especially if it's a Subaru Outback}. Today I drove past one and starting really aching for some frozen custard and wild fries from Good Times. *sigh*

simple pleasures

I've realized lately that it is the simple things that make me happy and help me get through the long days and weeks. Things like phone calls and emails from far away friends, sitting out in the sunshine, evening walks,
and driving with the windows down. 

I'm ending my day today with peppermint tea 

and {possibly} my favorite book, To Kill a Mockingbird. 

I have a million other things to do, but sometimes you just need a break. 

And when it comes to simple pleasures, I don't think it gets much better than this. 

so brave, young, and handsome

Peace Like a River by Leif Enger is one of my favorite books, so I thought it was about time to read his second book, So Brave, Young, and Handsome. Had I not read Peace Like a River first, I probably would have enjoyed this book more. I think my expectations were a little too high, but overall it was still a good book. I really love the way Lief Enger writes. I think his prose is so poetic and it just flows. He is one of few authors that I read more for the way it sounds than for the story, although I do love his stories. There is something so romantic about cowboys and outlaws and travels West, especially when Leif Enger is writing. I also think he writes brilliant characters that are so full of life. I wouldn't rank this book in my list of favorites, but I did think it was a lovely novel.

My favorite parts from So Brave, Young, and Handsome:

"She believed romance was no mere ingredient but the very stone floor on which all life makes its fretful dance."

"In times of dread it's good to have an old man along. An old man has seen worse."