this time and this place

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.” —Azar Nafisi

Change is tough. I remember when I moved to Utah. I hated it. I wanted to go home to Colorado and MY friends because Utah was weird and the people were weird and I was NEVER going to fit in or find friends here. Six years later and Utah is almost as much my home as Colorado is. It turns out my people were here after all. 

Provo is crazy. And there have been times when it has felt like a bottomless pit of weirdness that I can't escape from. But I freakin' love this place. 

This is where I found my best friends, my people, my soul mates. This is where I fell in love and had my heart broken {a couple times}. This is where I found myself, or at least started to. I discovered my passions. Many of my greatest pains and greatest joys have happened here. My six years here have been better and worse and more boring and more exciting than I ever would have guessed. 

As I start to say goodbye to this time and this place I am thinking mostly about all the people I love that I have to leave. Goodbyes are dreadful. But it really is a strange feeling because it seems like I'm also saying goodbye to myself. I'm leaving behind this person that I am now. Of course I'll still be me in Virginia. But that's the thing. I'll be Me In Virginia, Me In Graduate School, Me Living Alone with NO ROOMMATES. Still me, but a different me. And, good grief, that's a weird feeling! 

My life is about to change drastically. And most of the time I feel really excited about that. But sometimes it is scary as hell. 

And also, I already really miss the people that I love.

i wish . . .

I've been trying to do this new thing lately where I'm more open about my feelings, which is not especially easy for me to do. I'm doing this partly because I've realized that keeping my sadness pent up inside is not especially good for my mental health. And also because I've been bothered in recent months {years?} by this business of pretending at perfection. I'm quite skilled in pretending that everything in my life is wonderful. And I don't want to be a downer, you know. But goodness. When you're struggling there is nothing worse than looking around and seeing nothing but "perfect" happy people. And in reality many of those people are secretly suffering. I think there's value in putting on a brave face, but isn't it exhausting? I'm exhausted.

I would just like to acknowledge that I am very far from perfect. I am struggling. And sometimes I feel so much sadness. And sometimes I wonder how in the world I got to be 24, and wasn't I supposed to have things much more figured out at this point? And what in the world am I supposed to be doing with my life? It's been a rough couple of years. And sometimes I really just wish I had a shell.

Today I'm not feeling very brave or adventurous or strong or special.

Today is a day when I wish I had a shell.

I wish I had a shell so I could pull everything inside and
hide from all the sad and hurt and scary and hard.

Or maybe I wish I  had wings.

I wish I had wings to fly away to happy places. Maybe I would
fly away to somewhere new and have a completely different life.
Just start over, you know?

If I wished for an iceberg would it work to freeze my racing thoughts
and slow my anxious, always too-fast beating heart? I would love to get some sleep.

But I don't have a shell, or wings. And my mind is hard to calm. And, actually, what I really wish I could have is God's email address. Man, I would love it if God could just shoot me a quick email and help me out. A text would be great even. Just a little something. When you say things like that everyone tells you to pray, fast, read your scriptures, get a blessing! I still only get good answers using these methods about 1/100th of the time. I wonder if everyone else has as much difficulty communicating with God as I do. I hope so, because that would make me feel a bit better. And I really wish prayer worked a little more like email.

But since it doesn't, does anyone have a person-sized shell I could borrow?

guts.

An average person can be extraordinary at this. But if you don't have any guts, if you don't have any try, you'd be damn lucky to be ordinary.

- Buck Brannaman {from the movie, Buck}

I've never considered myself an especially gutsy person. I'm a worrier. I think I was born a public health major because when Dr. Cole taught that public health is about RISK REDUCTION those two words spoke to my soul. I am all about risk reduction. I guess it's also interesting how we are all so different and we all need guts for different things in our lives. For me, going on a trip by myself doesn't seem like a big deal, but I sure have to gather a lot of courage to go to activities in my new ward by myself and try to meet new people. Anyway, I've done some things in the last year or two that have required just a crazy amount of guts and I'm glad that I'm being pushed out of my comfort zone.

This quote I shared from Buck Brannaman is talking about riding horses, but it totally applies to life in general. {I love it because I think just about everything related to horses applies to life in general.} I've been thinking about this a lot lately. About being brave. Anybody can have an extraordinary life, but you have to have guts. You have to really try. You have to have the nerve to do things that scare the crap out of you.

Coming up against things that are scary sure makes you stop to think about who you are and what you want, and what you're willing to do to get where you want to be.

So I'm getting ready to move across the country to Virginia to start PA school in January. I have to admit, thinking about that pretty much scares the living daylights out of me. But it's really exciting. These are strange feelings I'm having, I tell you! When I got my acceptance email my automatic reaction was sheer panic. Truthfully. It probably should be joy or excitement, but I felt panic. I'm comforted to have talked to others who felt the same way. {I am not crazy! Phew!} I have been talking and thinking about PA school for so long, but it has been so hypothetical. Like, yeah someday in the future, down the road, when I'm older and have my life together . . . someday I'm going to go to PA school somewhere. Well, folks. That someday has come and it's only about five months away and that somewhere is Eastern Virginia Medical School. Luckily, I have mostly overcome the panic. I'm looking for apartments in Virginia Beach, and that is exciting. It's going to be a fun place to live, if I ever have time for fun! I started looking at student loans, expenses, etc. last night, which created a new kind of terror, but it'll work out. I imagine this panic is a normal response when anyone who has always enjoyed some level of financial security enters into a situation of massive debt.

I was discussing my apprehension about this move to VA with a friend, and came to this major conclusion about my fears: It's a big challenge to give up easy for something really hard. Right now my life is a breeze. I'm in Provo; I like my job, my apartment, my ward; I have friends and family close by. Things are easy. Moving to Virginia will probably be lonely at times. It's going to be different, and it's going to be hard. But it will probably be awesome! So yes, it's hard to trade easy and comfortable for hard and different. It's worth it, though. Isn't it always worth it to push yourself to do more?

The point of all this is that if you want your life to be extraordinary you have to have some guts. I'm not saying that everyone should move across the country and rack up tons of debt going to graduate school. What I mean to say is that most of the things that make life beautiful are at least a little scary. Things like falling in love and getting married, or taking a new job, or becoming a mother, or learning a new skill. And having the guts to face those fears is what allows us to create extraordinary lives. When I look at the people around me, I'm impressed with the guts that they have. I'm pretty lucky for all the encouragement I get from my friends and the examples they set for me. And I'm pretty lucky that they don't all think I'm a big fat baby when I get panicky.

Lately I feel a lot like this:

But I'm trying to be more like this:

So you guys, I don't feel very brave or very gutsy {probably because I worry so much}, but I'm working on it. Which brings me to another quote. One of my favorites:

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do." 

- Eleanor Roosevelt

I've never regretted facing my fears, but I have definitely regretted not facing them. If you don't face your fears you'll never grow. Extraordinary isn't easy. I think I am in for quite a ride.

leap

via

This part of being an adult that involves making real life decisions is not working out so well. How do you decide where to go or what to do when your life is just kind of up in the air? For me I guess the first step is dusting myself off from the disappointments of recent months and then just pressing on. Taking that leap of actually making a decision is hard, though. Getting over the second guessing is virtually impossible for me lately. I'm trying real hard to have some faith and hope in the journey and the learning experiences and all that business. 

But let me tell you something: this girl could sure use a W right about now. My basketball teams couldn't even win this year, and we're going to be stuck watching Miami win the championship again. It seems like the Russell Westbrook to my KD is out with a knee injury and I just can't pull out a win.

What gives, universe? Could you throw some points my way, please? 

Thanks a bunch. 

thoughts at 4:30 am

It occurs to me as I begin to write this post that my blog has two recurring topics: heartbreak and my job is awesome. Luckily {for all of us} this is another one of those my job is awesome posts. 

Working as a CNA is interesting because in some ways it's actually kind of crappy. When I tell people what I do for work they generally find it quite cringe-worthy. My shifts the past two nights give a beautiful picture of why I love being a CNA and why I really can't wait to be a PA.

Last night I was sent to the medical/oncology floor to sit with an elderly man. The simple version is that he was very confused and disoriented. He had been agitated and combative and needed constant supervision. His wife talked to me briefly about how difficult the situation was for her, and I was able to reassure her that I knew what to do and we would be fine when she left.

Sitting with a patient is something that generally drives me crazy, but sometimes it is amazingly rewarding. Being stuck in a room for 12 hours, often with a difficult patient, is not my idea of a good night, but some of my most memorable moments at work have come on these nights. The man I took care of last night was very confused and very emotional. I spent a lot of time holding his hand, and as I did I reflected on the many nights I have spent sitting at a beside holding my patient's hand.

When that old man, looking so small and sad, reached his arm up and asked me to hug him it brought back a flood of memories of other patients I have cared for. Being a CNA is a lot about body fluids and tedious tasks, but it is most importantly about giving hugs and encouragement and holding hands when people are scared. Last night my patient grabbed my hand and asked me to let him know when I get married and have cute babies. Obviously I'll never even see that man again and he was very confused, but for last night I was his friend when he was alone and scared. That is a feeling that is hard to beat.

Tonight my patient has a gun shot wound in his chest. How Grey's Anatomy is that? I just want to say "We've got a GSW to the chest" while running through the hallway with Meredith Grey. The great thing tonight was having a PA from the trauma team come in to remove the chest tube. I got to see the entrance wound from the bullet and the spots where the surgeons cut. Plus I got to see him pull out the chest tube, which was seriously cool and kind of bloody. Night made!

And this is why I want to be a PA. I need to be able to do more-- like chest tubes, for example. I think the thing that makes great PA's {or physicians} is that they go beyond being great at procedures and prescriptions and diagnosing illness. The great ones also excel at making their patients feel safe and heard and important. With medical stuff people really need reassurance, encouragement, and hand holding because medical stuff is often hard or scary, or both. The fact that I get to be a part of all of this is what makes my job seriously awesome.

And now as I try to stay awake while sitting in a dark room for two more hours I will think happy thoughts of traumas and chest tubes.

it's a musical monday

I have a lot of songs that I just can't stop listening to lately, but here are a few:

Young and Beautiful by Lana Del Rey

Darling Dearest by Xylos

Windows Are Rolled Down by Amos Lee

Something Good by Alt-J {Also Breezeblocks & Fitzpleasure}

Big Jet Plane- Acoustic by Angus and Julia Stone

What are you listening to on repeat these days?

pain/beauty

"It is in dialogue with pain that many beautiful things acquire their value."

I just started reading The Architecture* of Happiness, and this is one of many passages in the book that resonates with me. I have spent a good deal of time searching for meaning in the pain, disappointment, and loss I have felt over the past year and a half. This is a big one. In the midst of the chaos and the hardest trials of my life, the world has become more beautiful. I'm inclined to feel more gratitude and satisfaction in the small things around me. {Most of the time, at least. I do still have relapses of the why-me?'s and seriously?!'s} I'm finding truth in the statement that you must know the bitter to know the sweet. When we experience pain our interaction with beauty becomes more meaningful- whether that beauty is in the form of art/architecture, or of nature, or of the people around us. My heart is somehow empty and full at the same time, and this is a very strange and beautiful feeling.

We all want to avoid pain. I myself was recently complaining, "Couldn't life just be easy for a little while?" But maybe the pain is worth it. Because even though sorrow often feels like it is breaking you into small pieces, it is actually making you whole. Pain helps you feel the whole human experience; it helps you love more fully; it helps you turn to and rely on God; it helps you to truly learn who you are and what you want and what kind of stuff you're made of.

*Did you know that I am a great lover of architecture? I very nearly chose to become an architect.  I was vacillating between health care and architecture, eventually choosing healthcare. But architecture! Oh I love it so.  And this will likely be another post for another day.

India

People selling flowers in Old Delhi

Market day in Old Delhi 

The Taj Mahal

Mr. Sheva, our rickshaw driver, and Gandhi, our Taj Mahal guide

 View from our tuk-tuk ride in Agra.

Jaipur train station 

Feeding monkeys at Galta

Hindu worshippers leaving Galta

Elephant ride

Train ride

Leaving Delhi for our flight to Kathmandu

My dad and I mostly decided to go to India so we could see the Taj Mahal, and I would say it was worth it. We started out in Delhi, and I could hardly believe how huge and crowded it was. We spent Sunday on a tour through Delhi, which was perfect because it wasn't too crowded. The sights were interesting: Gandh's cremation site and memorial {Rajghat}, Old Delhi's Red Fort and the Jama Masjid mosque, the President's house and India Gate in New Delhi, and Humayun's Tomb, which was a precursor to the Taj Mahal. 

The next day we were in Agra for sunrise at the Taj Mahal and then went to Fatehpur Sikri in the afternoon. The Taj was incredibly beautiful and seemed completely out of place in dirty, frenetic Agra. We rode all the way out to Fatehpur Sikri in a tuk-tuk {about 40 km}, but getting out of the city was the best part. The driver took us through parts of the city that we never would have seen otherwise. We ended up in a traffic jam with tuk-tuks, bikes, rickshaws, people walking, cars, and a herd of cows. There were no other tourists to be seen. Trash, animals, people everywhere. As we traveled through India I realized that I didn't care much about the tourist sites. Fatehpur Sikri was interesting enough and pretty, but I enjoyed the ride through the city so much more.

We took a train to Jaipur early the next morning. I love riding trains. It's so fun to look out the window, and to watch the other people on the train.  Jaipur was more calm than Agra, but still there were animals everywhere. We went to Galta, a Hindu pilgrimage site outside the city. The setting was so beautiful, and it feeding monkeys was both awesome and creepy. I loved seeing the people worshipping and studying. We also loved exploring the Amber Fort, which seemed to have passages and new rooms going on forever. Here we also rode an elephant, which was actually a strange experience and very typical of India weirdness. Jaipur had some of my favorite sites and favorite food. 

We made the trip back to Delhi on the train and spent our last day taking a very slow, congested drive into Old Delhi, and then only having time to get lunch. Our destination was a restaurant called Karim's, which is tucked back on a side street near Jama Masjid and has been there for over 100 years. At one point it was named on Time Magazine's list of the ten best restaurants in Asia, and the food was phenomenal, authentic Mughal dishes. This was our last night in India and we weren't very hungry after our amazing lunch, so we got a little pizza from Domino's by our hotel and watched Modern Family for a little slice of America before heading to Nepal. 

India was fascinating and definitely an experience. Even though I had seen poverty like that before, I don't think it's something you can ever get used to. It assaults all your senses, and it's a lot to deal with emotionally. The thing I missed in India was interaction with people. Everywhere we went, people were constantly trying to scam us or get money in any way. We found we couldn't talk to anyone without being expected to give them money, and that was disappointing to me. We kept ending up with drivers who told us it wasn't safe to walk around in the markets, which was something I really wanted to do. Even people, like these drivers, who put on a guise of trying to give help and advise all seemed to be working an angle and we had very few interactions that felt sincere, except maybe a couple people at our hotel in Delhi and from people on our flight. 

I didn't experience any of the Indian hospitality that we kept hearing about. I'm sure this is not the experience of everyone who visits India, but it left me feeling somewhat ambivalent about the country. Still, it was an adventure and an experience. I always think there are things to be learned from seeing how different people live, and it hurt my heart to see the state of desperation in which most of these people were living. I left feeling very grateful for my life. 

change

The question is:

Do blondes, do they, like, really have more fun? 

{I will love you if you know the movie I'm quoting here}

Side notes:

1. This was my first time dying my hair. Eek!

2. I never {ever, ever} thought blonde would touch my hair, but I am loving the change.

3. I can't seem to get a decent picture of my hair that also includes my face, so that is awkward. But these pictures are really about the hair. 

on breaking up {a TMI post}

I haven’t had many break ups in my life, but the ones I have had were mean and nasty. Travis and I broke up last night, and it was rough, but it occurred to me that this break up was different. Rather than nasty and mean, it was honest and loving. The pain is just as intense, if not more, but I think it’s a better pain because there is no anger or bitterness attached. {I don’t tolerate anger well; it makes me feel dreadful.} Still, this hurts like hell. Between 10pm Friday and 10am Saturday I slept less than three hours and cried about seven hours. The “worst day ever” banner is back up in our apartment and I have that pit-in-my-stomach feeling where the thought of eating anything other than a smoothie makes me feel ill. Loving someone who doesn’t quite love you back is heart-wrenching. 

Breaking up felt nothing like a fight and everything like a wholeheartedly honest moment, which is both comforting and painful. Comforting because fights make me sick. Painful because at the end of that caring and open talk, it was determined that there won't be anymore between us. I started thinking that if I had been brave we wouldn’t have broken up; I would’ve fought for it and kept us together. I wouldn’t have let him go. But, actually, I was brave. I was brave because I think breaking up is the hard thing and the right thing this time. I was brave because I was more honest and {mostly} more vulnerable with him in that moment than I’ve ever been in a relationship, and that was damn hard. I was brave because I didn’t try to be tough or pretend I wasn’t hurting. I cried like a baby, and I let him hold me for a while. I told him, genuinely, that it was okay and I understood. I was brave to let him go, because I need to wait for someone who loves me back instead of waiting and pushing him. I’m proud of myself for the way I handled it {tears and all}, and I’m thankful for the way he handled it. 

This is going to hurt for a good long while, but I know it will start to fade and eventually I won’t feel the sting of this loss anymore. He was a special person in my life, and I still love that. He helped me heal and he made me happy. He accepted me completely and taught me a lot about what I need to expect from relationships. I fell in love with his fun personality, his sweetness, his patience. I have some really treasured memories from the nine months that we knew each other, and that will have to be enough. 

For now, I’m trying to get over that little {or maybe big} part of my heart that hopes he will change his mind and show up on my doorstep because my head really does know that he/we made the right decision. I’m accepting the mourning and experiencing the sadness that I feel. Even though I’m sad, I meant what I said to him. I understand, and it’s okay, or at least it will be. 

So, I will keep crying whenever I need to and listening to the theme song of this break up, which is Walk Away by Ben Harper. Oh how I relate to this song. “It’s so hard to do and so easy to say, but sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away.” Sometimes you have to move on, even if it is the hardest thing. 

   

As I walked away from his car I felt like I was leaving my heart in the passenger seat. It was the hardest thing. And that’s okay. 

scenes from friday night

I had an excellent day on Friday-- one that reminded me of reasons why some things in my life are really fun right now:

1. It's okay to have fast food for lunch AND dinner, which is exactly what Travis and I did.

2. Travis and I have jobs that don't require us to work normal 8-5 days, so we can go to the rock climbing gym all afternoon.

3. Our evening plans didn't require us to shower after a few hours of rock climbing. {Gross?}

4. It's acceptable to use bathrooms that look like this:

{at least they had soap and toilet paper}

5. I go to concerts at weird places like Kilby Court. As you can see, this venue is basically a garage. Friday night included lots of dancing like a goofball with T while Darwin Deez was playing! 

sometimes

This is the view of my refrigerator right now, and it makes me pretty darn happy.  

The top left is a picture that Penny drew of herself and me as princesses, and next to that is a portrait of me, drawn by Lily. Ruby drew a picture of Trav and me, but he got custody of that one and I have this cute one of some girls. As you can see, Penny pretty much only draws girls with crowns. 

I am so enjoying my little gallery of pictures given to me by Travis's nieces. This reminds me that one of my core beliefs is that if a child gives you a picture, you must put that picture on you refrigerator. Seriously. If this photo does not bring a smile to your face, I'm not sure if we can be friends anymore. 

I've had a blast hanging out with T's nieces lately. I have certainly missed having awesome kids to play with, and I've seriously missed having a cute baby to play with since Kelsey moved. I love watching all of my friends and cousins with their little munchkins, and I was recently remembering a time when my mom told me that the happiest time of her life was when we were all little, which got me thinking about how awesome moms are.

So even though I am loving my life right now and all the adventures I'm having, sometimes I see darling babies and spunky little girls and I am just so excited to be a mom. It will probably be a good long while before it happens, but I am super psyched for that future phase of my life, and I'm glad I have friends that I get to watch be awesome moms in the meantime. 

And also, a shout out to my mom, who is the coolest mom I know. I would be a very different person if she were not my mother, and I'm so happy that I get to talk to her pretty much every day. 

Disclaimer: I can already feel the speculation that is bound to happen due to the reference to the boyfriend and motherhood in the same post. So I feel I should say: no, marriage is not anywhere in the near future. And, no, we haven't even talked about it.  

tunes for tuesday

Songs I'm loving this week:

No Way by The Naked and Famous

• This song is a little bit melancholy and beautiful. It gets really amazing around the minute mark. This is probably my favorite song to listen to while skiing and my #1 on this list. Can't get enough.

Thin Line feat Buffalo Madonna by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

• Pretty obsessed with Macklemore lately. And I just love his rapping in this song. 

Big Black Car by Gregory Alan Isakov

• Heartbeak, you know, drives a big black car. 

Disparate Youth by Santigold

• Mostly I love it when the guitar comes in, probably because T always plays some air guitar. 

Heart Skipped A Beat by The XX

• iTunes description for this album: "You might as well tack another X onto the title of The XX's buzz-building debut. After all, it's essentially makeout music for cool kids . . . " Awesome. 

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

• Throwback! This song always makes me smile. It also always makes me think of the part in The Holiday when Cameron Diaz sings it, which I love. 

2012 in pictures

 I started working at Utah Valley. I love my job. 

We went sledding at Soldier Hollow with the ward.

Becky and I wore a lot of coordinating outfits.

We watched General Conference at the Records' house.

I got finals ice cream with Heather and Kelsey {and baby G!}

We took a road trip to Portand to see Coldplay!

It was so awesome. Look at those lights!

We ate a crazy amount of french fries. 

I fell in love with Powell's Books. 

We had so much fun. And also we watched so much Downton Abbey.

We went to a Bees game for Becky's birthday. The fireworks were so great. 

And we went to Gourmandise for my birthday dinner. Deliciousness!

I spent a lot of time with the Records.

Maddi and I {and Rick} took a reunion tour of BYU. 

I bummed around Provo with Becky. 

I did a bit of rock climbing with Travis. 

I goofed around with my sister.

I went to a couple Book on Tape Worm concerts with Travis. 

I became a third generation college graduate!

I went to a Rockies game with my folks. 

I rode a lot of horses. 

Becky and I moved out of student housing and got a kind of big girl condo. 

Parker got home from his mission in Brazil!

 We anxiously awaited election results and had a fun party. And then Obama won.

 I visited Washington DC and had a splendid time. 

I was lucky to spend time with my great friends and family who live there. 

That's my cousin Lyndsee and me at the White House. 

We took some family pictures on Thanksgiving at my grandma's house. We're pretty cute. 

Becky and I went to see the Killers and Tegan & Sara. It was such a blast!

Becky and I had a Christmas party. We've all been friends for five years! Crazy. 

Lastly, I worked. A lot. And was always tired. 

I spent New Years Eve at work, in fact. 

Happy 2013, folks!