single

I love being single. I love it so much. I love it too much. I know we're supposed to be dating and getting married, but it bums me out that so many girls are so focused on marriage and not really enjoying being single. Comments in Relief Society tend to revolve around marriage, with topics such as faith (that you will get married some day), trials (still being single), and talents (cooking and such- the ones "needed" for marriage). It seems like people are waiting for a relationship or marriage to make them happy. My opinion is that you can't find a way to be happy while you're single you won't magically be happy as a married person. I think I personally will mourn the loss of my single days.

Of course I want to have that awesome relationship/marriage where you want to talk all the time and do everything together, but right now I am loving just being me! I love doing whatever I want whenever I want. I love being alone and doing things alone. I can't imagine spending SO MUCH TIME with another person. I can't imagine wanting that. I have my own schedule. I like to go to zumba at night or watch TV with my friends or just do homework. I like to read before I go to bed and unwind with some more alone time. I get to make my own plans for my life and not worry about fitting around someone else's plan. I love all of this stuff. I'm so happy and comfortable on my own. Like I said, I may love being single a little too much. The guys I go out with are generally pleasant and nice and . . . fine. Maybe that's just my disinterest talking, but really. I can't sustain a dating situation more than about three dates before I lose interest. But here's the deal. I don't see why I should try to sustain something I'm not really interested in. At some point I may need an attitude adjustment, but right now I am going to enjoy the peace and contentment of my single life, free from the disruptions and frustrations of men. {Happiness}

human

"We must not see any person as an abstraction. 

Instead, we must see in every person a universe 

with its own secrets, with its own treasures, 

with its own sources of anguish, and with some measure of triumph."

- Elie Wiesel

from The Nazi Doctors and the Nuremberg Code

I'm reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot right now. This quote from the amazing Elie Wiesel was at the beginning of the book and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm only about 80 pages into the book but I'm loving it so far. We always learn about HeLa cells in science classes and they have been used for thousands of experiments, but we don't talk much about Henrietta Lacks, the source of those cells. Henrietta died from cervical cancer at age 31. I feel so much more appreciation for those cells when I consider Henrietta's life, her suffering, and the family she left behind. We must always remember the value of each person. 

home

I'm sure I will have many homes in my life that will each hold a special place in my heart. So far I have had three homes. Colorado is special because my family is there and I grew up there. It is a place where I feel perfectly comfortable. Utah has come to feel like my home in the past couple years. This is the home where I have made a life that is all my own. Today is three years since I left for my third home, Jerusalem.  This home may hold the largest place in my heart. Sometimes I think it sounds silly when I say that Jerusalem changed my life, but it really did.

I was thinking today about the first time we drove into Jerusalem and about leaving. As we were driving in from Tel Aviv that first day I remember as we were getting close Brother Skinner told us that it would be a moment to remember because we could never again see Jerusalem for the first time. I wish I could describe the feeling I had as I saw the city for the first time. It felt like coming home, only somehow so much better. I've been totally emotional today as I think about Jerusalem. I know I brought a lot of Jerusalem back with me, but I feel today like I left a part of myself there, like a little tiny piece of my heart is missing. I know I will go back someday and it will be wonderful, but nothing can ever compare with the first time- the Jerusalem Center and the friends {family} that I met there. Today I am feeling so much love and so much gratitude {and more than a touch of homesickness for the JC}.

Next year in Jerusalem! 

body image

I've been thinking a lot lately about self esteem, and especially about body image. It seems like we are never satisfied with our bodies. There are days when it seems like I am able to find an endless list of things to criticize about my body, and I've never considered myself to have a poor body image. Driving between Salt Lake and Provo there are tons of billboards advertising breast implants, liposuction, tanning, etc. Women are expected to have these perfect bodies and faces and hair. And even if others don't actually expect that of us, I think we too often expect it of ourselves or put ourselves down because we don't look like Victoria's Secret models.

You've probably seen or heard the phrase, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Apparently Kate Moss told a magazine that this was her motto. I saw this for the first time couple months ago and have heard it many times since, and, honestly, I'm more disgusted by this phrase each time I encounter it. I was looking at pictures of Kate Moss, and when I searched on Google I saw the Wikipedia entry, which says: "Moss is known for her waifish figure and popularizing the heroin chic look in the 1990s, which made her a supermodel. She is also known for her controversial private life, high profile relationships, party lifestyle, and drug use." This super-skinny, unhealthy, drug-addict look seems to be making a comeback with the hipster crowd. I don't think this level of skinny is the main-stream ideal of beauty, but it still troubles me. And let me just say that anyone who believes this has never tasted my brownies. Having some love handles and being able to eat brownies is so worth it! Food is one of the great joys in life, in my opinion.

I spend {too much} time to pinterest and I've noticed how often people have pinboards about "being fit" where they post pictures of scantily-clad women with 6-pack abs and skinny arms. How depressing is that? These boards are supposed to be about inspiration for "getting healthy" but I don't see that at all. That body type is not attainable by all women and you certainly don't have to look like that to be beautiful or healthy. I wish we could all love our bodies for what they are. Of course, everyone should exercise and eat a healthy diet and try to be healthy. But health should be the goal. We need to let go of the pressure to look like the photoshopped pictures in magazines or the models who have personal trainers and chefs and spend all of their time working to look like that, in addition to having the genetics for that look to begin with. I learned from my psychology text book this summer that some contestants in the Miss America pageant work out as much as 30-35 hours a week. If you don't include Sundays, 30 hours a week means 5 hours a day. I think I would like to do something more valuable with my time and I also think it's not fair to compare my body to their bodies.

Have you heard the Regina Spektor song Folding Chair? She says, "I've got a perfect body but sometimes I forget. I've got a perfect body because my eyelashes catch my sweat." I love that! I think we can all find a reason why our bodies are perfect. Our bodies are so different and special. Every body is beautiful, and it's wrong that we have such a narrow view of beauty in our society.

Now, a final thought that sums up my feelings perfectly about what I want for myself and my future daughters:

"I've got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don't want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I'd rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny - a thousand things, before 'thin.' And frankly, I'd rather they didn't give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons. Let them never be Stupid Girls." 

- J.K. Rowling

fall

Fall is my favorite season. I absolutely adore it. The changing colors, the crisp air and cooler temperatures, pumpkin cookies, even football. I actually don't care much about football, but thinking about football games is always exciting and so perfectly fall.

This is my final fall semester at BYU. I hadn't thought about this until today, my last first day of fall semester in Provo. I was feeling a bit nostalgic today as I thought about the wonderful times I've had at BYU. I was remembering my first day at school as a freshman and how desperately homesick I was and the friends I found who gave me a second home in Provo. I was remembering traveling to Jerusalem and and finding a new family in my friends there and the feeling that I would never be the same. I'm still basically the same person that I was four years ago, but I've changed and grown so much. BYU has been such an incredible part of my life. This semester will be crazy with school and getting ready for graduation, but I am going to try my best to do as much as I can and enjoy this last year of school. I was really dreading starting new classes, but today I'm just so glad that I have a fifth year of school. I'm not ready to leave BYU and I'm so happy to be here.