I haven’t had many break ups in my life, but the ones I have had were mean and nasty. Travis and I broke up last night, and it was rough, but it occurred to me that this break up was different. Rather than nasty and mean, it was honest and loving. The pain is just as intense, if not more, but I think it’s a better pain because there is no anger or bitterness attached. {I don’t tolerate anger well; it makes me feel dreadful.} Still, this hurts like hell. Between 10pm Friday and 10am Saturday I slept less than three hours and cried about seven hours. The “worst day ever” banner is back up in our apartment and I have that pit-in-my-stomach feeling where the thought of eating anything other than a smoothie makes me feel ill. Loving someone who doesn’t quite love you back is heart-wrenching.
Breaking up felt nothing like a fight and everything like a wholeheartedly honest moment, which is both comforting and painful. Comforting because fights make me sick. Painful because at the end of that caring and open talk, it was determined that there won't be anymore between us. I started thinking that if I had been brave we wouldn’t have broken up; I would’ve fought for it and kept us together. I wouldn’t have let him go. But, actually, I was brave. I was brave because I think breaking up is the hard thing and the right thing this time. I was brave because I was more honest and {mostly} more vulnerable with him in that moment than I’ve ever been in a relationship, and that was damn hard. I was brave because I didn’t try to be tough or pretend I wasn’t hurting. I cried like a baby, and I let him hold me for a while. I told him, genuinely, that it was okay and I understood. I was brave to let him go, because I need to wait for someone who loves me back instead of waiting and pushing him. I’m proud of myself for the way I handled it {tears and all}, and I’m thankful for the way he handled it.
This is going to hurt for a good long while, but I know it will start to fade and eventually I won’t feel the sting of this loss anymore. He was a special person in my life, and I still love that. He helped me heal and he made me happy. He accepted me completely and taught me a lot about what I need to expect from relationships. I fell in love with his fun personality, his sweetness, his patience. I have some really treasured memories from the nine months that we knew each other, and that will have to be enough.
For now, I’m trying to get over that little {or maybe big} part of my heart that hopes he will change his mind and show up on my doorstep because my head really does know that he/we made the right decision. I’m accepting the mourning and experiencing the sadness that I feel. Even though I’m sad, I meant what I said to him. I understand, and it’s okay, or at least it will be.
So, I will keep crying whenever I need to and listening to the theme song of this break up, which is Walk Away by Ben Harper. Oh how I relate to this song. “It’s so hard to do and so easy to say, but sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away.” Sometimes you have to move on, even if it is the hardest thing.
As I walked away from his car I felt like I was leaving my heart in the passenger seat. It was the hardest thing. And that’s okay.
