a scene from my dream life- paris

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I must admit, my wanderlust has gotten out of control lately. I am dying to go on an adventure. Anywhere. I keep joking that I think I would be excited to go to Kansas. I am also missing Mr. Top Gun like crazy, so this Paris scene looks ideal.

A summer night in Paris admiring the Eiffel Tower sounds much better than doing research and studying for tests. Sign me up!

the great gatsby

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I read The Great Gatsby for the first time on my trip to Spain three years ago, and I hated it. When my sister later told me it was her favorite book I was wondering if I had missed something, so I decided to give it another chance and recently read it a second time. It is still far from being my favorite book, but this time I can't stop thinking about it.

The story is depressing and the characters are mostly awful people, but F. Scott Fitzgerald has such a lovely way of telling the story and describing the characters that I found myself re-reading parts because the words were so perfect. This time I felt so much sadness and fondness and disapproval for Jay Gatsby. It's hard to decide how I feel about him, and he seems like a real person. Daisy and Tom are careless and shallow. Jordan Baker is a fascinating character and I am so intrigued by her hardness and the walls of protection she puts up through her haughtiness and lies. Nick is a perfect narrator and I love his progression through the book.

Mostly I've decided that I like The Great Gatsby because it has made me think and because the words are beautiful and true. My current favorite quote says:

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer." 

I read this book just as spring was starting and that passage rang true. I feel that life is beginning over again with the summer, and that is certainly a comforting thought. 

prokofiev

I heard a performance of the first movement of Sergei Prokofiev's Piano Concerto No. 2 in G minor, op. 16 this weekend and am currently obsessed with this concerto. Prokofiev wrote this concerto when he was 22 and dedicated it to the memory of his friend who had committed suicide. Apparently it caused quite an uproar when it was first performed in 1913. The original score was destroyed in a fire following the Russian Revolution, but he recreated it in 1923 with significant revisions. I spent my Sunday morning listening to several different interpretations. I think it is beautiful and powerful. The first movement takes you through so many emotions. Breathtaking.

goodbyes

Last week I had to say some hard goodbyes.

On Monday I said goodbye to this guy:

And then on Saturday I said goodbye to this girl: 

{This is one of the oldest pictures I have of Kelsey & me. I love it.}

I wish I could have everyone I love with me all the time and we would never have to say goodbye. These goodbyes were bittersweet because my friends are going on to great things and I'm excited for them, but I am missing them like crazy! I still expect that they will be coming back in a couple weeks or a couple months, and I'm not sure when the reality will hit that they aren't coming back.

Saying goodbye to Joe was hard in part because it involved a break-up that certainly didn't feel like a break up. There was lots of crying on my part and lots of reassurance from him that we will still talk and will see each other again. Still I couldn't shake the thought that it could be my last time seeing him, hugging him, kissing him. And that was {still is} pretty heartbreaking. Luckily we have the benefits of modern technology, so it is easy to talk when we are on opposite sides of the country.

Kelsey and I had a fabulous farewell to Provo on Friday night and were able to fit in most of our favorite things. We ate at Spicy Thai. We went shopping at The Riverwoods and bought some super cute clothes. We watched You've Got Mail and played our favorite game, Pandemic. We got frosties and french fries from Wendy's and went for a drive. On Saturday I had breakfast at Magleby's Fresh with Kelsey's little family and then took Kelsey and Grant to the airport in the afternoon. The good news is I am planning a visit to Bellingham, Washington to visit just as soon as I graduate. Thank heavens!

As we were driving to the airport Kelsey pointed out that it's weird that leaving was so hard when it was exactly what she wanted. The dream was always to come to BYU, graduate, possibly get married and then leave. These goodbyes happened because my friends are getting exactly what they have wanted and worked for, but they were hard goodbyes nonetheless. I'm excited to move on to the next phase of my life, graduating and moving on to PA school eventually is exactly what I want, but I know that my last days being at BYU and living in Provo will be bittersweet for me as well. I have so many good memories and I have found so many people I love here.

Don't you hate goodbyes? I always think saying goodbye is one of the hardest things we have to do in life. Sometimes we say goodbye because we are moving on and there is the excitement of starting over and doing something new. But despite the excitement of great things to come I always hate saying goodbye.

"You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place. Like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person that you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again."

- Azar Nafisi, Reading Lolita in Tehran

future

"Every experience God gives us, 

every person He puts into our lives, 

is the perfect preparation 

for a future only He can see."

- Corrie ten Boom

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way God guides each of our lives. It is incredible to me how he sends the people we need just when we need them. Often when I'm going through a trial, and especially when I'm having a great experience that is happy and rewarding, I don't think much about how that is preparing me for the future, to be the person I'm supposed to be. I don't often think about the people I'm surrounded by and how they influence me until much later when I look back. I know I can't see the future that God is preparing for me, but I have been working lately on recognizing what I can learn from my experiences and looking for the important things that people around me are teaching me and helping me with. As I've been looking at the people around me in this way, constantly considering what they can teach me and how they are serving me, I have been amazed at the different perspective I've developed. I'm much more aware of the support and service given to me, more mindful of good qualities that I can learn from. I have especially recognized people who have been answers to my prayers because of their opinions and advice. Considering the way people around me bless my life makes me more aware of the fact that Heavenly Father placed those people in my life and that He is guiding and preparing my path. In this crazy world full of hard things and big decisions there is no greater comfort than to know that God can see the future and He is going to get me to the right place.