fine

I was watching Grey's Anatomy the other night {of course}. It was season 2, and in one episode Meredith and Alex are talking. She tells him she's fine and he says,

"You've said that word so many times today it doesn't even sound like a word anymore." 

I had a similar conversation with Maddi on Sunday night.

But I really am.
Fine.

adjective

1 of high quality

• (of a person) worthy of or eliciting admiration 
• good; satisfactory
• used to express one's agreement with or acquiescence to something
• denoting or displaying a state of good, though not excellent, preservation {this one is so true}

2 thin

• (of something abstract) subtle and therefore perceived only with difficulty and care

Really, I'm fine. In a lot of ways, I'm fine. I would like to be great or excellent, but I'm not. I wish I were not expressing my acquiescence to the situation that I'm in because I hate it, but I don't know how to fight it, so it's fine. I'm fine. My heart is breaking, I'm overwhelmed and stressed, but I'm holding it together. I'm fine, and that's about all I can ask for right now. 

Although, the definition of FINE that most describes me is probably this one:

Freaked-out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.

how to survive summer school

When I took spring/summer classes a few years ago I thought it was awesome. The classes moved really fast but were more chill and summer was just so fun. I definitely spent way too much time playing, but it was great. This summer I am singing a different tune. I have been in school now for more than five years and two weeks is the longest break I've had since Fall 2010. I've always enjoyed school, but right now I just can't wait to be done. I am constantly studying or worrying about something I should be studying. To fight off the madness I have discovered a method for surviving summer school.

The key is to hit up Sonic during happy hour and grab a slush. I alternate between lemon, lime, and lemonberry. {It's only $1.08 for a large} 

Then roll down the windows, turn up the tunes, and drive up the canyon. 

Stop at Canyon View Park, which is the first one on the left. 

Spread out a blanket, pull out your books, and

 keep sippin' that slush while you study. 

Don't forget your sunglasses.

Following these steps allows you to get things done while still enjoying the great outdoors and the summer sunshine. It is also useful in decreasing the ghostly pale quality of post-winter skin. Plus, a little extra vitamin D is likely to improve your mood. 

In other news, I got a perm last week and it is crazy. 

And I am embracing the craziness. 

Also, P.S. I think that the station wagon should be the state car of Colorado because every time I see one it reminds me of home {especially if it's a Subaru Outback}. Today I drove past one and starting really aching for some frozen custard and wild fries from Good Times. *sigh*

simple pleasures

I've realized lately that it is the simple things that make me happy and help me get through the long days and weeks. Things like phone calls and emails from far away friends, sitting out in the sunshine, evening walks,
and driving with the windows down. 

I'm ending my day today with peppermint tea 

and {possibly} my favorite book, To Kill a Mockingbird. 

I have a million other things to do, but sometimes you just need a break. 

And when it comes to simple pleasures, I don't think it gets much better than this. 

so brave, young, and handsome

Peace Like a River by Leif Enger is one of my favorite books, so I thought it was about time to read his second book, So Brave, Young, and Handsome. Had I not read Peace Like a River first, I probably would have enjoyed this book more. I think my expectations were a little too high, but overall it was still a good book. I really love the way Lief Enger writes. I think his prose is so poetic and it just flows. He is one of few authors that I read more for the way it sounds than for the story, although I do love his stories. There is something so romantic about cowboys and outlaws and travels West, especially when Leif Enger is writing. I also think he writes brilliant characters that are so full of life. I wouldn't rank this book in my list of favorites, but I did think it was a lovely novel.

My favorite parts from So Brave, Young, and Handsome:

"She believed romance was no mere ingredient but the very stone floor on which all life makes its fretful dance."

"In times of dread it's good to have an old man along. An old man has seen worse."

work

Four months ago I was hired to be a “patient care assistant” in the Neuro-Trauma Rehabilitation Unit at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in Provo. I can’t begin to describe how much this job means to me. When I was first hired I was thinking how lucky I was, but I quickly realized that getting this job was a miracle. I don’t think “lucky” exists in cases like this. This job has been my number one testimony this year that God is watching out for us and guiding our lives. 

Over Christmas break I applied to a bunch of hospital jobs, knowing {well, expecting} that I didn’t have a chance at getting any of them. I had no experience working as a CNA, but I decided to give it a try even though 6 months or more of experience was listed as a requirement on all the jobs I applied for. When I got the call about the interview I was thrilled, but still not very hopeful. I was the first one at the interview, and was excited to find that only three of us were being interviewed for two positions. I’ve been told there are normally at least ten people being interviewed, so this was a rare circumstance! That just gives you a snapshot of why I was so incredibly blessed to get this job, but I when I think about how much I needed it that is why I know it was a miracle.

It seems like this year so far has been one disaster and disappointment after another, but work has been a bright spot amid all the chaos. I’ve had some pretty serious anxiety, but when I walk into the hospital I suddenly feel calm. Work has become a place where I feel comfortable and happy. It is definitely a confirmation that being a PA is the perfect fit for me. To think of having a job that makes me feel happy, fulfilled, calm, comfortable is almost shocking. I didn’t know it was possible to love work so much. I could go on forever about all the things I love about my job, the patients, and my coworkers. 

Maybe some people would say it is a little dramatic to call getting a job a miracle, but I believe it to be one. It is also a reminder that I needed {and still need} that God is guiding my life. Even though I see so many things going wrong and sometimes feel a little abandoned and alone, I know that I’m not alone and that God has not abandoned me. I am reminded that the storm can keep raging, but eventually I will come through the other side and everything will work out. God cares about the things that we care about, He knows what we need and what will make us happy; He gives us miracles to help us along the path. It’s comforting to see His hand in my life and know that I don’t have to worry so much because He is there.