2012 in pictures

 I started working at Utah Valley. I love my job. 

We went sledding at Soldier Hollow with the ward.

Becky and I wore a lot of coordinating outfits.

We watched General Conference at the Records' house.

I got finals ice cream with Heather and Kelsey {and baby G!}

We took a road trip to Portand to see Coldplay!

It was so awesome. Look at those lights!

We ate a crazy amount of french fries. 

I fell in love with Powell's Books. 

We had so much fun. And also we watched so much Downton Abbey.

We went to a Bees game for Becky's birthday. The fireworks were so great. 

And we went to Gourmandise for my birthday dinner. Deliciousness!

I spent a lot of time with the Records.

Maddi and I {and Rick} took a reunion tour of BYU. 

I bummed around Provo with Becky. 

I did a bit of rock climbing with Travis. 

I goofed around with my sister.

I went to a couple Book on Tape Worm concerts with Travis. 

I became a third generation college graduate!

I went to a Rockies game with my folks. 

I rode a lot of horses. 

Becky and I moved out of student housing and got a kind of big girl condo. 

Parker got home from his mission in Brazil!

 We anxiously awaited election results and had a fun party. And then Obama won.

 I visited Washington DC and had a splendid time. 

I was lucky to spend time with my great friends and family who live there. 

That's my cousin Lyndsee and me at the White House. 

We took some family pictures on Thanksgiving at my grandma's house. We're pretty cute. 

Becky and I went to see the Killers and Tegan & Sara. It was such a blast!

Becky and I had a Christmas party. We've all been friends for five years! Crazy. 

Lastly, I worked. A lot. And was always tired. 

I spent New Years Eve at work, in fact. 

Happy 2013, folks!

mr. nasty and the weepy ice cream eater

If my memory of The Social Network serves me correctly, Mark Zuckerberg created the precursor to Facebook, Facemash, following his break-up with that one girl who he trashed on his blog. In the movie, which may or may not show us what really happened, a long series of events led to the creation of Facebook. My personal opinion {because, naturally, I know what actually happened} is that Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook so that he could post pictures of his new girlfriend with cute little emoticons all over his profile, thereby torturing his ex-gf, who would have otherwise moved on and been quite happy.

I'm know I am not alone in feeling that Facebook may be one of the most destructive things to happen to our generation. Sure, we can praise the ability to stay connected with people and whatever else it is that we Facebook addicts use as justification. But let's be honest, Facebook is used equally for stalking people (in my experience, this stalking frequently includes the current girlfriends of our exes as well as the exes of our current boyfriends). The stalking leads to comparison and frequently to wallowing. And isn't comparison a huge part of what people are doing on Facebook? When I look at different profiles, or timelines, or whatever, it seems like the objective is generally to make oneself appear prettier, or smarter, or more popular, or funnier, or more sad, or more politically knowledgeable, or as though one's life is more epically kick-ass than anyone else's. Can I get a witness? Seriously! Theodore Roosevelt taught us that "comparison is the thief of joy." If I didn't believe this before, nearly six years as part of the Social Network have convinced me of this truth.

Nightshift-induced insomnia and a traumatic breakup, coupled with the increased access to Facebook I have on my smartphone {I just deleted the FB app tonight} have led to far too many nights of eating ice cream out of the carton and listening to Miranda Lambert, Ingrid, and Kate Nash. The all-time lows have come when I have fallen low enough to listen to Taylor Swift songs, by choice.

Facebook brings out the worst in me. I don't think I'm a crazy ex-girlfriend {which is a Miranda Lambert song, btw} by any means, but holy cow! The fact that I think quite highly of myself while at the same time being susceptible to irrational insecurities at the drop of a hat {or a photo on Facebook} creates an interesting double personality when I log onto the FB. Unfortunately, both of these personalities are dreadful people. The first is the aforementioned weepy ice cream eater. The second tries to counter these feelings by being critical, which we can all agree is a less-than-attractive trait. "Hello, it's Mr. Nasty." This personality makes me have thoughts along these lines:

This is actually among my favorite ecards of all time because it so accurately expresses my feelings, and I find it hilarious. I know I need to work on being less negative, but when that negativity is directed at finding all the flaws in the new girlfriend, having thoughts like this is my unfortunate coping mechanism. Sadly, it's all I've got. {But seriously, this made you laugh right?}

Even the Facebook positives, like being able to keep in touch with old friends to know about babies and weddings and school and fun things can be discouraging. See the next ecard, which is a combination of meanness, comparison, and sadness. 

This one really makes me laugh too, but seriously. It's lucky that I don't feel discouraged about my lack of marriage and babies, because if this were a problem for me my current Facebook newsfeed would send me spiraling into depression. 

Anyway, this is just to say that it is now 2:30 a.m. and I am suffering from another night of nightshift-induced insomnia, and that I have decided to decrease my time on Facebook and instead do more useful things, like perhaps have an actual conversation with one of those friends I keep up with through Facebook only. I'm going to work on more healthy use of technology, although I won't be cutting back on my Instagram use because I love it and it makes me happy. 

In other news, I checked out Mindy Kaling's book from the library today and started reading it while riding the stationary bike at 24 hour fitness. Riding that bike is the worst exercise I ever get at the gym, but I do it when I want to read more than I actually want to exercise, which is most of the time. I see it as a compromise because at least it's better than reading while laying in bed. So tonight in the midst of the super crowded gym that happens only in January, there was me doing some mediocre cardio and laughing out loud while reading this book, and therefore having one of my favorite workouts ever.

new year wishes

May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art-- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.

... I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

... Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

- Neil Gaiman

I must say that 2012 was my worst year yet, but I am hopeful about 2013. I have some big plans for this year. I expect it will be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. It is also sure to be full of mistakes and big changes and things that scare me. But I hope that I will be brave. I hope that I will find happiness in small things and live a life full of gratitude and love. I hope that I will have fun and be goofy and laugh until my stomach hurts and be fully myself.

As much as I sometimes want to have an easy year after this horrible one, I guess I learn most from doing hard things and stepping up when things are scary. So this year along with the magic and adventure, I hope that I will be challenged, and I hope I surprise myself.

*Happily, I get to kiss someone who thinks I'm wonderful within the next 24 hours.*

tender mercies

I had a rather traumatic experience on Saturday that made me think about God's hand in our lives. I do believe we are never forgotten by God or left alone, but when you have those why me? moments it can be temporarily difficult to see that. I saw on Saturday that many of those why me? moments probably benefit us, but we just don't see it at the time. It amazes me how God helps us in such tiny little ways. Everything happens for a reason and I think sometimes painful experiences may actually be tender mercies.

I ran into someone at the BYU Bookstore on Saturday that I never expected to see again. This was someone who broke my heart {twice} this year. The last time I saw him outside of Skype was April 30th, when he moved. He kissed me and said he'd be seeing me. That was my last really strong memory of him, one I always think about because all the phone calls and Skype conversations are not the same as actually being together. More than the heartbreaks and the hurtful things, I think about that last time I saw him, which is not good but not easy to stop.

I'm dating someone new, who is wonderful, but I have really struggled because I have been caught up in the Joe thing. I knew he was in town this weekend, and that was difficult for me. When I saw him a mere five feet away from me in the bookstore I felt sheer panic. I spun around, grabbed my friend's arm and then bolted out of the bookstore as fast as possible. I sat down and cried in the WILK. As that was happening I was thinking, "You have got to be kidding me right now! What are the odds? Why me?" I was pretty upset about having seen him again, even for a split second.

That night Becky and I had a Christmas party, which was the first time for the new bf to meet my friends. It was a nice party and my friends loved him. After the party I told T about my traumatic experience and he calmly asked why I cried and said he was sorry that it happened. As I was laying in bed that night, I realized that seeing Joe was actually a strange little tender mercy. Now the last memory I have of him is a feeling of panic. I had kind of wondered what it would be like to see him again, and now I know. I didn't want to talk to him; I wanted to get away as fast as possible. I wanted the comfortable company of T at our party.

I think that unpleasant experience was a little message to tell me, Hey you don't want to be with this guy- let it go for real and move on. Everything happens for a reason and that was for me. He didn't see me, I saw him, and it turns out that was just what I needed to feel better. I don't think that was a coincidence.

too nice

I'm not really into relationship books {or self-improvement books, for that matter}, but I think this book may have been written specifically for me. 

 {Pardon the language}

Just look at this description of the book:

I wish I had counted how many times in my last relationship I heard the words, "You're too nice." I think I have a problem, even though I generally think it's not my problem because I believe in being as kind and understanding as possible. Am I wrong? I think my problem is that I don't expect the same in return. Guys, I'm actually considering reading this book. {Gross!}

I would especially love an answer to the question: 

Why do men take nice girls for granted? 

Relationships... 

UGH.